Contemplation of well…Everything

“The world keeps spinning, and the tales keep turning, and people come and people go, but they’re never forgotten. And the one truth we know, it held true one more time… That love, true love, the really, really good kind of love never dies.” – The Book of Life

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I am lucky, lucky that I have kids that let me see movies through their eyes. One child who has the eyes of faerie light, magic and wonderment no matter what the movie is. She keeps my heart light and my mind creative. One child who has a mind that never stops, figuring things out before they happen. He keeps me on my toes with ideas and my mind sharp.

We have more than once watched this movie and every time, we have found something new to love about it, whether is be the details on the guitar to a new quote, it is such a well-done movie. Today I woke up towards the end. My self-sufficient kids let me sleep in as I have not been feeling great these days. I couldn’t find the quote I was looking for to start this entry with but this one seems to work just as well.

I have had a lot of thoughts lately, thoughts I can’t describe because I can’t understand them myself. It goes from high to low so quickly I feel like I am doing every single dance you can think of that my brain has sorted itself out. I know one thing that has crossed my mind, It is a sad and happy thought. It seems that ever since I miscarried all of my friends have gotten pregnant, my friends and my family (the ones that I am close to at least). And I am happy for them, I swear it, but it hurts. It’s the really good love, but no one says that really good love doesn’t hurt some of the time.

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I wish I Knew what was holding me back from doing things that made me happy but I don’t. Charming says its depression, which it probably is. But there is something else, I look at myself and just want to give up. I hink about a year ago and I was self-confident 100 pounds lighter and happy with myself. And now I have a wonderful man, two glorious children, two classes to go to a diploma and I just lost myself somewhere.

I am filled with that really good love, and I know I am surrounded by it, but I lost myself somewhere. Somewhere in between stretching to help everyone else and losing focus on my own goals.

I started writing my books, but I have nothing to say, the characters went quiet. I started taking pictures but I have no urge. I just feel lost. I want to grasp onto  that really good love and let it fill me up…but for some reason I still tell myself I don’t deserve it.

Love how this post went from happy to sad.

with that I will stop talking

Shaye

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