3 am thoughts

So it’s 3am and I am wide awake. I really don’t want to be. But I hurt. Again. I need to get used to this pain thing. Since apparently it’s going to be around forever. But from OT & PT working so well today, I guess there was a little flicker of hope. Just a tiny one.

I’ve been feeling off lately. Really off. I don’t know what’s going on but Charming used the word disconnected. Most of it I think is the meds they are trying to figure out. I feel zombified.

So I am titrating them back down, on my own accord. I know the other part of the problem. I just don’t like talking about it.

I’m really having mirror issues again. Well mirror and clothing. And everything else. I have the motivation, but between the pain and the breathing, nothing seems possible.
And impossibility is something I can’t deal with.

Between the pain, the not being able to breathe and the social anxiety of the possibility of being judged.  I know group is next week, I can and will go back.

Right now I just want my  throat to stop hurting, ears too. I need to get my shot together, before I fall apart again.


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