Obviously it isn’t. It’s a gorgeous summer day, humidity low, breezy and some cloids. I sit on my patio in a caftan that was my Grandmothers, barefoot and smoke my last pack of ciggs for probably the rest of my life. But I can’t get the words of tgat song out of my head.
Bette Midler was introduced to me through Beaches when I was a child. My grandmother and I watched it. And that songbird has held a place in my soul since then. My GK has been gone for over ten years now but her caftan us the only thing that fits me right now.
A day of poking and prodigy by doctirs. My body is sore and my mind foggy. Kids inside arguing over a video game and those lyrics, I can’t get then out of my head.
“Tincan at my feet, I think, I’ll kick it down the street. That’s no way to treat a friend.”
In the past year especially I have lost some of the people I thought would be in my life forever. Granted I regained some people I thought were gone for good.
But I’m so tired. Tired of being that good friend to find I ut that everything I’ve done was nothing. Every promise I never broke, every secret that I knept, was in vain. Because I was just a place holder for a friend they had been waiting to return.
I view previous relationship ships and wonder why they happened or what they were. Were they love, lust, something inbetween. In my search for validation I never gave my body to someone I didn’t feel a soulful connection with. But through there eyes, was I just another tincan.
And now, my body aches and hurts, and I push through because the pieces are finally falling into place, but the fear of loss keeps that wall close at hand and I do act like an ass hole at times.
I watch as people marry, have babies, fall in love, fall apart. I want to now what goes through their minds as these things happen. I yearn to write their stories. To photograph their beginnings and endings.
I hate their happiness and love it at the same time. I yearn to be more than I am but I down know how that can be if what I am isn’t discovered yet. I don’t know how to describe why I feel how I feel to someone of logic when I am someone of chaos. I do not find myself loveable.
“Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it’s gonna rain today. ”