You’ve been here before
You know what’s to come
You know the symptoms
The causes
The signs

You’ve spent months doing research
You’ve  talk to the doctors
You’ve talked to the therapists
Hours on Google
Sites they tell you not to read

The time has come
You sit in the waiting room
Those chairs eat to make you feel at home
But you feel it
The anxiety creeping up
You already know what’s to come
Why are you panicking

The needles go into your arm easily
That one good blood drawing vein
You managed not to pee all over your hands
When they give you a much to small cup
They check your vitals
Blood pressure cuffs that bruise
O2 monitors shows you’re perfect
But you’re not

This pain has been building for a long time now
The rashes
The blackouts
The sleepless nights
The snarky comments
The feelings of everything snowballing
The highs
The lows

Sony appointments
So many tests
Mr is cats scans
Stress tests
Sleep studies
Trial pills

They call you into their office
You are 9
Your mom is there
You have Graves disease
We had to take out your thyroid
But at least it’s not cancer

You are confused, there are tears
But it’s ok, because Mom is ok
They do a Home Improvement episode
Randy has the same thing
You kind of understand
Then surgery

The weight starts to put on
You are a nervous teen
Uncomfortable in her own body
In her own mind
Not popular, but you best friend is
Popular by association
You are tired of being around all the bad stuff
You just want to sleep

You fill a bottle of pills
100 Benadryl 100 Tylenol
You sit next to your group at breakfast
In the crowded lunchroom
Make conversation
Take each pill one by one
No one notices
You wait for the bell
You are scared
You are 13

You take hold of your best friend’s best friends arm
You tell her to take you to the guidance counselor
You may die
Counselor calls your mom and 911
Mom yell at you profusely
Ambulance arrives
You are unconscious

Next thing you know is mom doting on you
Doctors asking for a psych evaluation
Mother denying it
They ask me about pictures
They never ask me why
The release me home

Everytime mom got upset
She’d throw a bottle if pills at me
Asked me if I wanted them
High school was chaos
I just wanted to fit in

Never didn’t have a boy friend
Did things for money
Experimented with girls
Then I got real sick
Mono, flu, ruptured appendix,flu,mono

The night my Father caught me smoking
Was the night get met me before class
At night school
Shiny white construction truck
Something was wrong

Get in
They think you have cancer
My heart stooped
Routine blood draw the day before
Came up with possible cancer
Had to go to the hospital now
Mom was hysterical
And waiting

We didn’t talk
I smoked his cigarettes
He didn’t say a word
Blood tests
Had to come back in the morning for a bone marrow
Might be luekimia

Didn’t sleep
Bone marrow test sucked
Hematology/Oncology Peds ward sucked
I was pulled out of my senior year
Soent days there
Without Luekimia
With Immunothrombocyticpurpua

I was allergic to the treatments
They had to give me longer ones
With other thing
To keep me from dying
But at least it wasn’t cancer
I missed senior year
I was 17

They told me I’d never have babies
They told me lots of things
Because I would always have chronic illnesses
But I met Drew Barrymore
I week later I met Trip
Two weeks after that I was pregnant

High risk
Moved to VA to be near him
Shotgun wedding
Known each other 3 months
Everyone wanted the baby gone but me
He was my baby.
Couldn’t drive
Couldn’t do much of anything
Felt insane

Hospital time
I’m allergic to latex (I didn’t know)
My son is perfect
Trips been sleeping around
6 weeks later I start to bruise
Hematology said if I  dont come now
I could die.
If it weren’t for my new born I would have gone.

The abuse started then, emotional, mental
We got physical a few times
He lost his job, I got one
We got pregnant
I lost Hope
It was devestating
We called our marriage quits

Then the barrage of insults
I had gotten too fat, lazy, bad wife
Meanwhile he was sleeping with
My best friend
One last hurrah on my 25th birthday
Pixie was implanted

He saw her sonogram 3 months later and left me at the doctors office
Took little man with him
It was our 2 year anniversary

That pregnancy was hard
Living in a small room 
In mom’s house
Slept in a twin bed with my son
Fetal cardiologist everyweek
2 vessel cord
No husband
Drove 45 each way to work
In another state
Started having blackouts

Into the world she came
Out of mom’s we went
Well first came meds because I had such bad post part depression
I could let any one touch her

Then my little man got diagnosed
With sensory peception disorder
I knew something was wrong
But give it a name and it’s real
And scary

Fast forward
Hand shaking
my four year old
still doesn’t articulate much
I know the answer but I’m scared someone else may say it
Then it’s real
Anxiety disorder


I knew I knew all along but
To hear it describe
To know my angel baby is going to have
Some form if difficulties
That’s hard

Ot. Pt, TSS, BSC, Speech therapy
And I work
Because Kie is jobless
And well bills need paying
Pixie needs day care

The the break happens, my break
Thrown against a wall
Accusations flying
Abuse thrown at me
I hoped she choke me out of kill me
It hurt so much

I broke
Doc sent me to out patient
A mental hospital
WITH Crazy People
But it was that or being 302’d
They didn’t diagnose at first

They watched
Tapped their FUCKING PENS
Used NOS as an excuse
Loaded me with so many meds
I couldn’t remember my name

I knew what was wrong
But I wasn’t prepared
Bipolar II ok gotcha on that
Anxiety disorder ok feeling ya
Borderline personality disorder
Scuse me? What the WHAT?


More meds please
At least it wasn’t cancer?

I read books
Tried to understand
And IT made sense
I could live with it
But refused to take all the meds
That was a struggle

But a blackout
Leading to a major car accident
Made them agree with me.

Fast forward…
Diagnosis – Binge Eating disorder
Diagnosis – CFS
Diagnosis – IgA Deficiency
Diagnosis – hives due to allergy from progesterone
Diagnosis – fetal heart stopped beating, need to induce labor and force miscarriage
Diagnosis – Fibromyalgia

No matter how mich you know, to have a doctor tell you anything, it hurts, a lot. And I know I’ll get through it. But I’m scared. Scared of more things wrong. Everything hurts. Pain in touch, to sunlight, no sleep,  no real awake. Of this is a dream I want to wake up. Because it’s a nightmare.



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