Monthly Archives: August 2015

My nightlight is too dark

Says Pixie as she tiptoes into my room at 515 in the morning. I was already up. Since 430 my body clock seems to arise no matter how many sleep meds I’m on.

We grab our pillows and head to the living room, turn on Masterchef and I hope she falls back asleep. Right now she’s telling me that when I get skinny I can go in TV and cook like them.

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When I get skinny….as her and I share a tiny bag of Cheez-Itz. Funnily enough that’s what I was going to write about (but I wasn’t planning on sharing my snack)

I shouldn’t be eating these, granted after my first nutrition appointment I knew that the soda, the snacks, the take out. But it was easier because of what little energy I had. Because of how sick I have been. Because of the move. There was always an excuse.

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Trip making my kids crazy. I ate. The loss of the baby. I ate. The kids not listening to Charming. I ate. I binge when noone saw. At 430 am.i gained 21 pounds I have to lose beside surgery. But the constant barrage of sweets, sodas,ciggies. ..coming into my .bubble, the harder it is to say no.

I see my nutritionist today and she won’t be happy  with me. I had to stay at my weight and I gained. I’m assuming through mybliauids. I feel so down on myself.

The fibro diagnosis sucks. But the eating disorder ….. I thought I squashed that I long time ago

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An Article Everyone Should Read

I came across this article via shares on my FB page. I had no idea what to expect when I read it. By the end of it my eyes were glassed in tears and I found it so important that I knew it needed to share it

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10 Things I’ve Learned About Gaslighting As An Abuse Tactic

It is by a woman named Shea Emma Fett and yes it us triggering jn some aspects but it is honest and it is well written.

I have been at the end of this type of abuse more than once and I consider myself lucky to not be around it anymore.

If you suffer from abuse get help, please. Be it from a loved one, a confidant or call the national domestic abuse hotline 18007997233

Love and sparkles
Shaye

It’s D&D!!!!

Fighting with the legends of yore!!!!! -Stephen Lynch

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That’s right, Saturday night D&D…it hasn’t become thing yet but it is becoming a thing. Hopefully it will be becoming a thing. Because I need a thing, to get me out of this funk.

This funk is getting me down, and I down want to be down. I don’t want to be manic either.

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I just want to be……

So maybe a night of being someone else will help… and then tomorrow

I’ll go back to being me, and maybe giving to urgi because I maybe getting bronchitis or laryngitis….or an ear infection….

And tomorrow…I’m going to write that article…..I swear….at least I think I do….

Signing off as Shaye
And on as Alexandria….or am I
O_o

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3 am thoughts

So it’s 3am and I am wide awake. I really don’t want to be. But I hurt. Again. I need to get used to this pain thing. Since apparently it’s going to be around forever. But from OT & PT working so well today, I guess there was a little flicker of hope. Just a tiny one.

I’ve been feeling off lately. Really off. I don’t know what’s going on but Charming used the word disconnected. Most of it I think is the meds they are trying to figure out. I feel zombified.

So I am titrating them back down, on my own accord. I know the other part of the problem. I just don’t like talking about it.

I’m really having mirror issues again. Well mirror and clothing. And everything else. I have the motivation, but between the pain and the breathing, nothing seems possible.
And impossibility is something I can’t deal with.

Between the pain, the not being able to breathe and the social anxiety of the possibility of being judged.  I know group is next week, I can and will go back.

Right now I just want my  throat to stop hurting, ears too. I need to get my shot together, before I fall apart again.

Defending Bodily Autonomy – It’s Not Your Decision.

First of all yes, and second of all Kudos that a man should be writing this

a dramatic opinion.

mineLast Thursday in Paraguay, an 11-year-old girl, allegedly raped and impregnated by her stepfather, gave birth after the staunchly conservative government of Paraguay denied her mother’s request for an abortion. The child was born via caesarean section and, thankfully, without complication but this case has thrown the subject of female bodily autonomy around the world into question.

Bodily Autonomy is the thought that a person has control over who or what uses their body, for what, and for how long. Some would say this is a basic right. You are the only one who has say over what your body can be used for. After death, your organs cannot be taken and used to save lives unless you gave consent, but in many countries around the world, as shown by this case in Paraguay, a woman (or child) must carry a child to term, as the government has taken the right of bodily…

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Saturday

…was a long day…spent morning in ER…then got into a car accident. Then had to go home to rest….Which of course never happened b ease pixie didn’t want to hang with grama and the fam. She wanted to jump on my bed while I rested.

I was in amazing amounts of pain, when everyone decided to come home way later than they were supposed to.

Dinner…well let’s not go there.

I was. Whisked away by mother and sis in law to go shopping for clothes.I picked stuff. They picked stuff. Then proceeded to cry half naked on the floor in a Lane Bryant dressing room, in the arms of the girl that always helps when im in there.

So here we are, it’s Tueday, I promise Charming I’ll get checked out because I am still in tons of pain. So 4 hours later….

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So this is the end result of falling down the stairs and a week later getting into a car accident. (Along with a jacked up knee, hip, lower back, dhoulder, neck and mild concussion).

Doc says one more jolt to that ankle and
I’ll be in a cast. Between my clumsiness and my invisible illnesses my body is not happy with me. Doc says I’m pushing too hard, I need to baby my ankle.

But I have so much to do. I’m super duper grumpy.

I want to unpack and make things pretty but I can’t lift over ten pounds.

I want to write that article for that magazine but my laptop is broken

I want to write in general but….see above statements

I want to cook but I can’t stand for more than five minutes…or at all.

I miss my people. I need hugs. And to learn how to not push so hard.

But this whole fibro thing is killing me. This not being able to do anything is killing me. The pain is killing me.

My brain is fogged over, I’m forgetful. I have this gorgeous house that I can’t set up.

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Let’s talk about Sex Baby

Let’s talk about you and me….well not exactly but maybe. I have no clue who reads this.

I will be incorporating my previous encounters, escaapades, funny and sometimes horribly terrible stories about my sex like of the past. Into one of my books.

I think I can pretty much keep the order straight and will name the chapters by songs…..hmmm

You see Borderline people seek validation in many different ways. Sex was my vice. Or maybe just the fact that during the moment i can feel.

Hugs and love
Shaye.

Shenannigans

So there may be a few posts coming at you in a row. The first, let’s talk about Fibro and how much it sucks. It sucks when you’re moving but can’t help, it sucks when you want to play with your littles and can’t move. It sucks when you want to snuggle close to you sweetie and his skin feels like sand paper on yours. And it sucks to shower and be exhausted afterward.

It sucks not knowing when it’s going to flare up, having the people you’re with think you just being lazy. It sucks when you get hives from an allergy to a hormone your body produces so that the hives hurt and all the docs say it the fibro clinic will help. Here’s something to sleep.

But what about the pain. When THE Cymbalta Isn’t WORK ING AND NIETGER IS THE Otc stuff…Then what? Then apparantly my phone goes all wonky and yells.

Regardless invisible diseases suck. They wreak havoc on your mental state, you anxiety and depression. They keep you on the verge of friendships. And you end up driving people mad. Because they don’t understand you. There’s my rant.

Sparkly thoughts
Shaye

I think it’s going to rain today

Obviously it isn’t. It’s a gorgeous summer day, humidity low, breezy and some cloids. I sit on my patio in a caftan that was my Grandmothers, barefoot and smoke my last pack of ciggs for probably the rest of my life. But I can’t get the words of tgat song out of my head.

Bette Midler was introduced to me through Beaches when I was a child. My grandmother and I watched it. And that songbird has held a place in my soul since then. My GK has been gone for over ten years now but her caftan us the only thing that fits me right now.

A day of poking and prodigy by doctirs. My body is sore and my mind foggy. Kids inside arguing over a video game and those lyrics, I can’t get then out of my head.

“Tincan at my feet, I think, I’ll kick it down the street. That’s no way to treat a friend.”

In the past year especially I have lost some of the people I thought would be in my life forever. Granted I regained some people I thought were gone for good.

But I’m so tired. Tired of being that good friend to find I ut that everything I’ve done was nothing. Every promise I never broke, every secret that I knept, was in vain. Because I was just a place holder for a friend they had been waiting to return.

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I view previous relationship ships and wonder why they happened or what they were. Were they love, lust, something inbetween. In my search for validation I never gave my body to someone I didn’t feel a soulful connection with. But through there eyes, was I just another tincan.

And now, my body aches and hurts, and I push through because the pieces are finally falling into place, but the fear of loss keeps that wall close at hand and I do act like an ass hole at times.

I watch as people marry, have babies, fall in love, fall apart. I want to now what goes through their minds as these things happen. I yearn to write their stories. To photograph their beginnings and endings.

I hate their happiness and love it at the same time. I yearn to be more than I am but I down know how that can be if what I am isn’t discovered yet. I don’t know how to describe why I feel how I feel to someone of logic when I am someone of chaos. I do not find myself loveable.

But….

“Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it’s gonna rain today. ”

Bette Midler I think it’s going to rain today

Sparkle thoughts
Shaina