Sick and tired…..

…Of being sick and tired

Since I was 9 and the blood tests began. The poking and prodding. Since I learned the word Endocrinology.

Since I had my first cancer scare and the blood tests were done every week. I didn’t even know what Graves disease or my thyroid was or did till I was pregnant at 22.

Then there were the hives, the suicide attempts, the in and out of the hospitals. Staph infection, IBS, a really scary Gyny appointment that my mom never knew about….just part of my PTSD.

Again a cancer scare, a huge needle, a scar on my hip. Hematology and Oncology were words of my senior year of HS. Home school that year. I never got a senior year.

More blood work. Bruising, bleeding, allergies to the treatments. I didn’t know what ITP was until I was pregnant.

I swell, I hive, I bleed. My joints hurt, there are rashes and I can’t walk. I can’t sleep and when I do I still wake up sleepy. No energy and it hurts to be hugged.

So many meds and tests and bloodwork. So many ER visits and allergys. Shots and Xrays. 2 miscarriages. Weight loss and gain. Surgeries, anesthesia, doctors.

No answers. Never any answers. Just moved along to yet another doc. I offer to let them keep me. To let them keep me for tests.

Words like Lupus, fibro, MRSA. And they want me to be a grown up, nit to shudder at IV’s. To act dumb, not know what glucose in your pee means.

I’m scared, I’m only 31. I want to know what’s wrong. We have advanced so much since I was 9. I know you have the technology. Just figure it out.

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I stop up nights crying, wondering what I did wrong. What I did to deserve all this. My children keep me strong. My Charming stands tall by my side.

But I never wanted it to be about me. And somehow it always is. Because Noone explains a thing. There is no explination. According to them I am an anomaly. A case study.

So fucking study me. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of scared that my kids will follow in my footsteps are that I will lose another angel to heaven.

I don’t need your narcitocs, I don’t need your crazy pills. I just need to know what’s wrong and how we can fix it.

Because honestly doc…I hurt…all over

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