Heartbroken (Conclusion of I Can’t Breath…..I Hope)

 

real dad

As I wiped the tears away from his little face and held him in my arms and tried to explain to him that he did not have to wear a cape to be a superhero I internally cursed his fathers name. We had not planned ahead for this day, Charming and I had assumed they were making stuff at camp not that we would have to send them dressed as super heroes. And our boy, well he always wanted to be different. I call him our boy because he is. Charming is more of a Dad to him than Trip will ever be.

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Trip…Oh Trip. I don’t even have words anymore. After all the put us through, the kidnapping, the court battle, the drain in money. The child support paid whenever the hell he felt like it during the month(he couldn’t get in trouble as long as it came during the right month). The arrears that were smaller than the damn vet bills he paid for his and her dog and still, STILL, he couldn’t be a real fucking father to his children. 

At first it was every other weekend. And for a week last summer, because by the time the papers wee written up that was all that was left. But he didn’t want Labor Day, which was his. Then Halloween, he wanted the weekend before, cool that’s cool we had a rockin Halloween just the kids and I. He had them for Christmas and I gave them to him for New Years, because I felt it right since i had them the year before. 
I dread the holidays, I dread that I will have to give them up on the important ones, I missed Passover this year because he got them for Easter and it was the same weekend. *sighs* I have to drive so far to meet halfway and considering I don’t make even half as much money as she does it is a strain on my wallet. When the holiday falls on a Sunday they are supposed to be brought home, guess how often that happens?

Then it started to get weird. He finally got a job (oh by the way he lived off of her for YEARS because he could so technically she was paying child support not him), and he doesn’t get his schedule till the Friday before ad so I have to move my whole schedule around just in case. I refused.
Mind you I have done it once or twice but it has led to late pick ups (which I was always reamed out for mind you, so now I am always early), or canceling visits. Instead of spending the weeks after school let out with him they stayed with my mother for two weeks, and instead of being with him for Fathers day he ditched them. For his dog, her son and her grandson. At that point he hadn’t seen them since Pixies recital and even that he was late for *shakes head*

He turned around and instead of taking him for a week, he took them for two days over the 4th and then told me he would be working out of town for 3 weeks and didn’t know when he would be around again. He doesn’t call, doesn’t try. But he fought so hard to be a father….Why? Why try to take our lives away? WHY?

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So as I wiped the tears from my little mans face and explained to him that the cammos and gray shirt represented the real life heroes that protect our country everyday. That Charming and various family had all chosen to be everyday heroes are so much cooler than superheroes, he continued to weep because he just wanted to wear a shirt like his Father in the Navy.

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I was heartbroken. I found a shirt, it wasn’t his fathers, it was from my Wolf who had given it to me as a souvenir a long time ago. But he didn’t need to know that. The tears stopped flowing and he saluted me. He told me now he was a real superhero like his Father. I bit my tears back.

As I hugged him goodbye I told him that he was MY superhero, because everyday he struggles to figure out how people work, he struggles to be accepted and make sure that he is understood. He fights so hard to just be him. And that makes him MY superhero. He kissed me goodbye when there was a knock at the door, his parting words were…

“I love you Mommy, you will always be MY Superhero”

all my love
Shaye
xoxo

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