So these are topics I have just touched on but with everything going on in my life I figured I would delved just a little deeper into who I am what I am about and yes, swallow my pride and ask for help….
I am a 31 year old Mommy of 2 amazing kiddos. I have 4 autoimmune diseases and no I will not get into them right now but they ar all chronic and I identify as a spoonie.
I am on disability. My 8 year old son is an aspie and he is the smartest person I know. My 6 year old daughter is a precosious diva who is just as smart as her brother and snarky to boot. I also have 2 angel babies in heaven.
I have been a single Mom since I gave birth to my son even though I was married at the time and when my ex husband left me when I was 3 month pregnant with our daghter, we became the 3 musketeers. We are a very tight trio that love everyone and love to be love. But I am fiercly protective of the kids.
I have had m ups and downs in relationships since thier father. I have been mentally emotionally and physically abused. I have hidden it from the children.
I have found the man of my dreams in my Charming and I know and I knew 13 years ago that he was the one I was meant to spend my life with,
All these things are for another very veyr mushy and serious blogs in the future….
Today we discuss me.
In 2011 after a horrible incident in my place of employment I went into an out patient day program and was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder with Narsicistic tendencies.. Before I go into what these mean to me I will give you the clinical definitions –
About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that causes unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.
Most people who have BPD suffer from:
- Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts
- Impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior
- Unstable relationships
- To be diagnosed with BPD, a person must experience at least five of the following symptoms:
- Fear of abandonment
- Unstable or changing relationships
- Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
- Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
- Suicidal behavior or self-injury
- Varied or random mood swings
- Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
- Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
- Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
What Is Bipolar II Disorder?
A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more often from episodes of depression. This is where the term “manic depression” comes from.
In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.
Alright now that is out of the way, this is what it all boils down to with me.
I have been defined as you classic case of Borderline. Hence the name of the blog. Everything to me is black or white, I love to love and then push away because I asm scared of hurting others. I judge everyone and have a fear of getting judged. I am constantly feeling invalidated and grew up in an invalidating environment, and before Charming I sought validating through intimacy and sex which is one of the lesser sought validations. I am a bonafided flirt, and apparantly even when I don’t realize it I hit on every thing that moves. I have had very unstable relationships and I have to keep myself from being reckless,even though I want to. Impulse control is really hard for me. I will delve more at later times.
When it comes to Narcisim, I am a Narcisist. I am the kindest most gentle one you will find, I am totally insecure, I hate mirrors, and I don’t think I am the best. But I will try to one up you at every story you tell, I have to be the first the best and always have to have the last word. I monopolize conversations and everything is about me. ( once again the blog)
My Bipolar is the worst and the irst diagnosed, My mood swings cycle rapidly, when I am manic I have to keep my purse hidden and my car keys becaus e if there is any money I have to kee from spending it. I have racing thoughts, I don’t sleep and most people can’t keep up with me. When it comes to the switch flipping, I crash hard and fast and I just cant pull myself back up.
There is a reason I am telling you all these things. The reason I am tell you all these things is because I have to come to you, and I hve ask you for help I don’t like asking for help, needing help or wanting help. I don’t like not having the upper hand and I have been so proud that i have been able to support everything on my own for so long. But I have no been able to make everything ok recently. My world came collapsing down and it isn’t that I won’t make it out on top, because I always do but I am scared I finally fell into a chasm that I won’t be able to clime out of. I a m scared that Trip will come after the kids again. Scared that the kids may get taken away. cared of my future and I have never been afraid of that.
A good friend of mine wrote a gorgeous post about it earlier. I will give you the pink to her page and then I will repost it on my own as that seen to work as well too.
Everywordyousay wrote a it with the link to what is going on with me. If you could share the link or help out that would be great. I am going to be post a little more late today.
All my love