Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?


As I lay there on the table for the second time, waiting for the doctor to place the second dose of cytotec inside me. The second dose to help my angel get her wings, all I could think about was how gorgeous everyone in the triage room was. There was my angel of a beauty doctor, with small hands that held mine as she tried to comfort me, there was the sassy blond with the lisp that tried to keep me smiling and the nurse with too much makeup that made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

The chaplain had sat with me a few days before to discuss what I was going through. But how do I tell this woman, this girl that never held my pain in her heart what I was feeling. I didn’t even know what I was feeling. Instead I talked about my past, my kids that have their feet on the ground and their head in the stars. My ex-husband who fell apart when we lost our Hope on Father’s Day 2008.

This was different though, this was harder somehow. When I lost Hope it was like I was in a bad movie. I had started to bleed and went to the doctor, she wasn’t worried so neither was I. But we looked at that sonogram and my little Hope, my little smudge of an angel was no longer there. I was empty. Hey did a blood test and I got a call…It all happened in slow motion, my phone dropped, my heart broke and my life changed forever. My one year old clung to me even though he didn’t know his Mama’s pain. My ex-husband left and slept with someone else.

Three weeks later, too much tequila and on my 25th birthday, my ex blessed me with my precocious little diva. When we saw her heart beat on our two year anniversary, he booked a plane ticket and left us.

I never thought, I would once again be blessed with a baby within. Then I found him, the Prince Charming I had lost 13 years before. After life had taken its toll and beat the shit out of both of us, we shared our first kiss and I knew I finally found the one.

He took on my children as they were his own, he made our house a home and for the first time I knew what love was…And then I got sick. We realized my body was failing and we didn’t know why.

First we found that I was allergic to my own hormones. The progesterone in my body was putting me in the hospital, and I had a Mirena, so of course that had to go. I went under surgery as it was bent, broken and way to high up. It was removed and we celebrated even though I was on bedrest. I knew my allergies to latex and spermicide and everything else made for accidental babies a possibility since I hadn’t bled in over three years and I was happy I wasn’t worried.

Then I started to get pain, pain in my abdomen, my chest, my face swelled like a balloon. They did every test in the world, I went under the happy sleeping meds so many times and they had no clue what was wrong. So they pulled out my lap band. The one thing that had finally made me healthy, made me happy, made me able to run around with my kids.

That was the day before my pixie turned 6. As I celebrated in bed I realized that this year was the first time Hope’s birthday would fall on Father’s day yet again. I know, I know it’s pretty fucked up to be thinking about that as your daughter blows out her birthday candles, but for all intents and purposes Hope could have been her twin. Hope could have been her.

I went to check my scars and after 3 surgeries, just about 15 times of peeing all over my hands(and what I could get in a specimen cu that is way too small) my doctor told me I was pregnant.

Exfuckingscuse me? I hadn’t even had a chance to sort through my incredible weight gain and all the throwing up…wait a minute? Do you mean I didn’t have to get my lap band taken out? Do you mean that I went through all this because you never gave me a blood test? I was….going to have a baby?

I skipped my dentist appointment and my ophthalmologist appointment to drive to tell the love of my life. I bought him a card and we cried and I smoked the last of my cigarettes and that was it.

I dropped all of my meds that I had been on, took my prenatals faithfully and couldn’t wait to see my little one. They said I was about 6 weeks so we did an ultrasound. But there was no embryo, a sac and a yolk but maybe they had miscalculated my due date. So we took off work and after a harrowing week of waiting I laid there on the table, exposed to the four people in the room and watched the screen. Sac, yolk and was that…a heartbeat? Yes YES! 75 bmp but it was there, my little one had a beating heart.

Relieved that I could breathe, and continue to get excited we began to pick names, we began to imagine our future. We hadn’t told the kids yet because we wanted it to be special. But then the call came, the baby was still only around 6 weeks or so. Something was wrong. Another ultrasound had to be scheduled.

I was up all night pacing, praying (which I don’t even pretend to know how to do) and wishing on stars that all would be ok. I laid down, the ultrasound gel was freezing, there was an intern in the room and I held my breath. Sac, yolk……and SMUDGE!!! I saw her, I saw my little one and I finally felt relief. Until I didn’t…The sonographer left the room without a word and while letting the anxiety ridden parents was it an hour we finally got sent upstairs to b told she was gone. There was no heartbeat.

I don’t think I have ever felt more vulnerable in my life I felt guilty. I should have known. I should have had sex or ate that piece of cheese cake. Maybe I skipped a day of prenatals and didn’t realize it.

All this went through my head told as the doctor with the gentles hand places pills inside me to induce labor. To give birth to my angel baby, for the second time around, she went to heaven two days ago but she let behind so much. I gripped Prince Charming’s hand and gave him a funny look wondering why he had never hit the spot the doctor did with her hand (something to add to the bucket list later). I let the tears flow down my face and I cursed the gods. My angel baby, got her wings years’ to the day her older brother was conceived. An older brother she will never know, an older sister that will never get gum in her hair.

She will never feel her Daddy’s strong arms holding her when she cries and he will never hear her heartbeat. I feel guilty because his first child is in heaven. I will never smell her sweet baby smell and gaze into her beautiful eyes.

He is at work now, Prince Charming and I am using the computer to put heat on my uterus to help with the contractions. I pray this works. I pray I don’t have to go back under the knife. Because honestly if I do I don’t know if I have the fight in me to come back.

I will keep my feet on the ground and smile for my children, I will hide the pain and sadness from my Prince and I will continue to survive. Because once you have angels in heaven watching over you, that all you can really do.





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