Last night I ate a cake. A whole cake. Not because I was planning on eating a cake, just because it sort of happened. I was very very loopy on my random variety of pills and it was about 3am. As I stumbled through the house I made my way into the kitchen and saw an angel food cake covered in buttercream sitting on the counter. I don’t know how it got there considering Charming and I have been on our own for almost 2 weeks without the kids. But it had my name written all over it.
I grabbed a fork and dug in, it was light and airy and sugary and just sort of disappeared. I don’t know how long it took, but I stood there at the stove and just ate the cake. I heard Charming call my name, I am pretty sure that I went into the room and answered him but I totally went back into that kitchen and finished the cake…and then I hid the evidence. After polishing off the rest of a gallon of milk I stood there and thought…”Jeeeeez, I just ate a cake, a whole cake. Why did I eat a cake?”…
Yeah…no answer from the peanut gallery.
See I would sit here and say I was hiding it, but it is the reason I decided to write this blog in the first lace. Because I ate a fucking cake. A whole cake. A woman, who just found out that she gained almost a hundred pounds in a year, los a baby, is getting evicted needed to blog because she ate a cake. But I think that it is a break through. I have binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder sucks. And having it sucks even more. After having to hide for so long and sneak food because I grew up thinking that I had to hide eating because I was too big (I was a dancer and an athlete and not big at all) I think that eating a whole cake and standing behind it a positive experience.
Let’s classify Binge Eating Disorder shall we?
According the the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) – “Binge Eating Disorder is a type of eating disorder that is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating”.-
- Frequent episodes of consuming very large amount of food but without behaviors to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting.
- A feeling of being out of control during the binge eating episodes.
- Feelings of strong shame or guilt regarding the binge eating.
- Indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort, or eating alone because of shame about the behavior.
Alright, now that we have that out of the way, basically binge eating disorder is in the same classification as Anorexia and Bulimia. It is actually the most common yet less talked about eating disorders out there, and most people that have it either hide it from you or don’t know that they have it themselves .
Have you ever eaten until you were so stuffed that you shouldn’t eat anymore but couldn’t stop yourself. Have you ever snuck into the kitchen and ate in hiding, hoping that no one would walk in so that you didn’t have to explain yourself? You feel this guilt and shame for eating so much but you don’t want to throw up and you can’t make yourself stop eating. You WANT to lose weight however, food is your comfort, food is your friend, it helps you get through everything. Good times, bad times. It is your best friend.
Let me tell you something now…..Go get help. Even if it’s from a friend at first. There may be a problem. You can make yourself sick, both mentally and physically. TRUST ME.
I am not proud of eating that cake. I have struggled with BED my whole life. I have struggled with weight my whole life. I have always been that fat girl, I have always been that girl that had the sweet face. That great personality. With the way society was when i was younger being anything over a size 10 was wrong. What I have learned is that when you start to learn how to accept yourself and start to trust the people that care about you things do get better to deal with.
I am NOT proud of eating the cake. But I DID eat the cake. And for the first time in my life I am telling the world I ATE THE CAKE and DRANK THE MILK.
And today is a new day, with no cake…and lots of frozen grapes.